Like many couples struggling with infertility, it took Jane and Jim some time to discover that they weren't able to have a child. After months of fertility treatments and doctors' visits-and the overwhelming financial investment that resulted-they made a decision to allow themselves to stop trying.
For months after the decision, Jane was teary and unsettled. She also noticed that she was withdrawn, sick of answering friends' questions about their fertility process, and depressed. Though group therapy had helped her grieve the loss of her dream of having a child, it hadn't attended to the discomfort she now felt in her body. She noticed that she was sick more often and frequently exhausted.
When we worked together, Jane was able to get to the root of another huge issue that had loomed underneath all along: Jane's infertility had also made her deeply mistrust her own body. Through the months of being poked and prodded, examined and analyzed, Jane had had to grapple with the growing disappointment that her body wasn't performing the way she wanted it to. Whether she was conscious of it or not, there were growing feelings of anger and frustration that were distancing her from her own sense of safety in her physical self.
It's no small thing to acknowledge and heal the effect that infertility may have had on how it feels, especially as women, to be in our bodies and our lives. Though we often deal with emotions on a personal level in order to move on, we don't always move more deeply to the body level to heal and release judgments and resentments that have arisen. These can deeply affect how it feels to move forward with our lives. To help Jane-and many women struggling with infertility-several steps are necessary to heal.
1)Awareness
First, Jane needed to recognize the ways she had been holding her body responsible for its failure to have a baby. She also needed to examine the feelings of guilt and blame she had taken on for the infertility-including judgments about choices of doctors and approaches.
2)Acceptance
Jane realized that she had been holding back love and acceptance from her body as she waited to get pregnant. After awhile, only pregnancy could satisfy the expectation that had been created; nothing else mattered. As she healed, she needed to bring back love and acceptance for her body now, realizing that she-and her body-had simply done the best they could, whether they succeeded at becoming pregnant or not.
3)Forgiveness
In order to heal, Jane needed to forgive both her body and herself for the journey they had been on together. In a meditation and letter-writing exercise, she asked her body to forgive her for all the ways she had been judging and resenting her body for not being able to conceive. She also needed to let her body know that-although it was challenging-she was now willing to forgive her body for not being able to get pregnant. Jane realized that the alternative-not forgiving-only kept her locked in negative feelings and prevented her from feeling comfortable again in her body.
4)Moving Forward
Jane's awareness that her infertility had affected her body relationship was the first step in allowing her to begin to trust and feel safe again in her body. Through forgiveness and acceptance, Jane could begin to imagine a life reconnected to her body and glad to be in it. By making peace with her body, Jane found that she had more energy, a sense of trust, and a deeper sense of acceptance about her future-even without a child.
Author Resource:-
Anna Stookey is a psychotherapist & bodymind coach who helps people move into their highest vision of health and wellness by partnering with their bodies rather than working against them. Ongoing blog at http://www.bodyreunion.blogspot.com or sign on to the website: http://www.bodymindguide.com
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