Each of us is born with a body. Though much has been made of the relationship between children and parents in the world of psychology, the relationship between each person and their body has been largely ignored. And yet, over the course of our lives, a myriad of experiences change and affect our relationship to our physical selves.
Illness, trauma, even weight loss and gain can subtly change the way we feel about our bodies and therefore about ourselves. The first time we feel pain or injury is a jarring realization that this physical surface that contains us can be wounded, and can't protect us entirely from the world around us. A feeling of safety and trust in our bodies can be adversely affected-sometimes forever-by any of these experiences, so that the way it feels to be in our bodies is changed as well.
In workshops as well as individual work, I ask clients with all kinds of illnesses and body issues to consider what would happen if they invited an earlier, more connected relationship to their bodies back into their lives now. What if they could be on the same team as their bodies? Forgive their bodies or themselves for what's happened and try to find common ground? Together we explore tools-in much the same way I might with a couple trying to heal their marriage-that reconnect them with their bodies and renew their body relationship. I often ask participants to write an actual letter to their bodies, as they might someone they want to reconnect with after an experience has distanced them. I encourage them to say exactly what they feel and what they have felt, to describe the kind of relationship they'd like to now create, and to invite their bodies into that new relationship. The results can be quite profound.
The work that I do aims to address that relationship, not because a miraculous cure always follows-though sometimes it does-but because our relationship to our bodies is our relationship to ourselves. To the extent that we blame, hide or fear our bodies we are not able to feel completely liberated or alive ourselves. In reconnecting with our bodies, we begin to find the deepest layers of ourselves and confront them in order to find greater joy or freedom in our lives.
Another way that body relationship issues arise is, of course, with our struggles with weight and body image. I know almost no one who wouldn't love to lose ten or twenty or even thirty pounds. And yet it's also amazing what an ongoing and unsatisfying pursuit this becomes if the fundamental relationship to the body is never addressed. Even if the weight comes off, even if the external body changes as a result of diet or exercise there may well be an underlying mistrust or judgment of the body-a sense that it can betray you in a moment if you eat too much or don't exercise. Though an external change has been created, the true change hasn't happened inside. Even perfectly skinny women can live haunted by the sense that if they really trusted themselves to eat everything they wanted their bodies would rebel.
Even though weight loss or gain seems like a less dramatic issue than life-threatening illness, our obsession with it in this country belies a lot of dysfunction in our body relationships. Using guided imagery and body dialogue work with clients trying to lose weight can help them not only 'fix' the outside but can help them redevelop a feeling of safety and trust within their bodies, regardless of the outcome. What people often most want from a diet and exercise plan is to 'feel better about my body.' Ironically, if that diet and exercise plan is started and continues from a place of disgust or disappointment in your body, those feelings are often perpetuated, even if minor external successes are achieved along the way.
On the other hand, if the 'feeling better' is created right away by addressing the body relationship first, different kinds of behavior are able to come naturally out of a healthier relationship with your body. In a sense, you've already accomplished what you wanted-a better relationship with your body-and the rest is icing on the cake. Once the body relationship is deeply healed, external change often requires less force and comes from a deeper, more loving-and ultimately more lasting--place.
Our bodies often have messages for us, and certainly our relationships with our bodies move us into a greater understanding of the way we treat and see ourselves. We don't have to wait until illness or trauma underscore the significance of our body relationship, we can also begin to examine and adjust it now. I encourage you to explore the messages you send every day to your body and how you're treating it, in much the same way you might examine a relationship with anyone in your life. How would you describe your current relationship? Is your body your enemy or your friend? Do you send encouraging and grateful messages or messages of disappointment and judgment? What would an ideal relationship with your body look like and feel like? How could you make that shift on a feeling level now?
And certainly if illness or trauma have brought you into a new relationship with your body, these tools and awareness are particularly important. How you decide to 'be' with your body through illness and recovery will greatly affect how you feel about the process and what it's like, eventually, to be on the other side.
Author Resource:-
Anna Stookey is a psychotherapist & bodymind coach who helps people move into their highest vision of health and wellness by partnering with their bodies rather than working against them. Ongoing blog at: bodyreunion.blogspot.com or sign on to the website:
bodymindguide.com
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