As the adult child of an aging parent, you may be thinking in the back of your mind about what happens when they are no longer able to take care of themselves. The signs may be there or there could be a significant event that opens your eyes, like a fall, a hospitalization, a car accident or the recent loss of your other parent. You may need to have a talk with them on a very sensitive subject: It's time to bring in help. Take the time to think about it before sitting down in person to have this discussion.
When it is time for your parent or parents to move out of their present living arrangement or have someone come in from a home healthcare agency to assist, there are three main things to consider: their independence, their well-being and their feelings. When the subject is discussed openly, calmly and is not rushed, there is a better chance that the right decision can be made together, without hurt and anger.
Some living options might include:
* staying at home and having someone come in daily from a home health care agency like Interim HealthCare;
* moving to an assisted living facility;
* relocating to a senior living community or to your home with occasional help from a nurse or aide;
* moving closer to you or another family member, but living in an apartment or senior community with professional at home care assistance.
The main concern is the well-being and safety of your parents, whether they have physical limitations or declining mental capacities. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away. The idea is for your parent or parents to maintain their independence as long as possible, as long as they are safe and able to do so.
Having the Talk
When it's time for "The Talk," starting the conversation is perhaps the hardest part. In difficult situations, we tend to revert back to our long-time roles as family members, which is not always helpful. Try not to put yourself in the position of telling them what to do. Instead, present it as a joint collaboration to solve an issue or need in their lives and yours. Think it through before broaching the subject. Make a list of your concerns and questions to organize your thoughts.
Choose a comfortable location where you can sit facing each other. Be relaxed and keep your hands gently folded in your lap so that you do not appear aggressive. Give it your complete attention and unlimited time.
Use statements beginning with "I" so that they will know you are genuine. Consider opening statements like, "I am concerned about your safety; I'm afraid you might get hurt." Gently tell them you want to talk about it.
Allow them to be in a position to help you. Use statements like, "Do me a favor. Consider having someone come in and help you out so that I'll know you are safe." Cite your questions and concerns. Give them a chance to consider your comments before they respond.
Know that this will be a slow process. It cannot be resolved with one conversation, but should not drag out indefinitely. Offer some ideas and alternatives. Talk about their fears and concerns. Be prepared to negotiate. Let them take the time to think about it and agree to talk about it again soon.
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